Monday's Report | An Open Letter To Tom Cruise

Because You Complete Me


Honestly, things just haven't been the same since the couch, Tom. You know that. And while you're the very best religious salesman/icon to come around since Jesus Marshall Applewhite, the fact remains that your primary focus is still motion pictures, and that means that all the weirdness you caused with trying WAY to hard to convince us that you have the ability to love someone who is a woman, and treating Matt Lauer like a child did some damage. This is all old news. But the thing now is how do we get that star of yours back in the sky? How can we bring black the glory days when Mission Impossible was relevant and the fact that you basically play yourself in everything you do meant nothing to the audiences of the world? I think I've found the answer, and if you were paying attention, Tom, so did you. Tropic Thunder was good stuff, very funny. But what really helped it along was your turn in some rather amusing make-up doing an awkward hip-hop dance and acting like a total asshole - on purpose. The solution is clear; you need to start doing some comedies. Valkyrie is going to be a big dud, and no matter how hard you try, clips of you trying a German accent will sit side-by-side with those of Nick Cage sweating over the arrival of the bees, until the end of time.


But in Tropic Thunder, you showed that you might actually have something resembling a sense of humor. That's impressive - and I say you run with it. Have you ever even done comedy? I guess you did. Did Losin' It ruin your whole perspective on the genre? And you've done the cameo thing before with amusing results - but you need to step up and take the lead on a comedy. Personally, I think this would be a genius move, letting us see your woefully neglected comedic side. But you must be careful. Avoid anything with Sean William Scott first of all. I'd suggest talking to Judd Apatow - the guy is hot, and you'd likely end up working with Paul Rudd and/or Seth Rogen, which would help bring in the lovable Anchorman audience. Do something crazy, something unexpected, something that is so no...you. Why not somehow find a way to play the loser without being smuggly charming. You tried that in War of the Worlds and failed horribly. We all still loved you and you barely looked like the shlub you were billed as. Mess up that hair, try some make-up, something. Play the drug-dealing friend with the heart of gold, or the drunk guy who accidently crashes his best friend's classic car and must (along with a rag-tag group of pals) must win a demolition derby to win the cash to fix it. Hi-larious, I say. Seriously - if you want to make us all forget about how crazy you really are under what had been a very well-kept veil of "normal", I suggest you get that alien overlord agent of yours on the phone and demand a stack of Hollywood's upcoming blockbuster comedies to look over. Do this, and do it right, and you're back on top, baby...

- Bannen