Monday's Report | Cinema Edition

As We Speak, Aaron Rogers Is Building A Favre Voodoo Doll...


Why don't more movies feature Yetis? Yeti? I'll admit that I'm not entirely sure of the plural for a gathering of Yetis - I vote that from here on out we call them a Murder, like crows. Sounds pretty bad ass, right? Anyway, the whole reason I even bring up the beloved fuzzy critters is because I saw The Mummy: Curse of the Jet Li this weekend, and the movie doesn't really hit it's stride until three completely awesome yetis show up to kick the crap out of rogue Chinese troops. I know what you're thinking; "Bannen, why did you bother to see the third Mummy movie?" and, while that's none of your business, I'll tell you that I find the Mummy movies to be a guilty pleasure. While they should by shunned and loathed, I actually find them to be entertaining in a Sunday Afternoon Creature Feature sort of way - that and I just can't get enough of Brendan Fraiser's ability to make wacky faces. In reality, this Mummy is more of the same. It's got the over-the-top action sequences, a lot of ham-handed dialogue that serves only to form some loose framework for future plot points to hang awkwardly on, cheap puns and jokey-jokes, but this one has the secret weapon of casting Jet Li as himself. Who knew he was so evil? And let me take a minute here to position something about what does and does not constitute as a "Mummy". Last I checked, being cursed to be a statue (living or otherwise) is not being a mummy - that makes you a statue man, perhaps a golem if you'd like to sound cooler. But a Mummy you are not. And worse yet, you're a fragile statue man, prone to shattering at the slightest provocation. At least the bald baddie from the last two Mummy flicks could not only put up a fight, but remain structurally intact for much of the combat. Through a majority of the movie, especially the ending scene, everyone is screaming stuff like "I hate mummies!" and "die mummies!" and "so what if I had unprotected sex with a mummy!" - and yet, there's really not a single honest-to-gosh mummy to be found. However, Statue Man: Curse of Jet Li probably wouldn't sound as good to an potential theater-goer - nor would it fit comfortably in the inevitable "Mummy" Blu-Ray collection. However, it would sit quite comfortably beside Looney Tunes: Back in Action as part of the "Brendan Fraiser Makes Funny Faces" Blu-Ray collection (which, yes, includes Encino Man). The other weird part of the movie is that Fraiser's son from Mummy Returns is now in his mid to late 20's, and Fraiser still looks to be in his late 30's, maybe early 40's... It's just odd. If you'd like to see this so-called Mummy movie, it helps to at least be able to admit you truly did enjoy the other ones (and face it, you totally did) and just take in some loose entertainment. Cap off the exciting adventure with Applebees and you've got a great afternoon...


Death Race 2000 is one of those really awesome cult movies that deserves to be loved as it is, but since Hollywood has officially given up on developing new content, it was really only a matter of time before they found this classic and decided to retool it for a new generation of kids who can't appreciate the original. I expect to hear about the "Back to the Future" remake with Shia LaBeouf any day now. The precursor for Twisted Metal and other car combat games, Death Race 2000 had a bunch of psychopaths strapped into modified cars, racing for their lives. Of course, the brilliant part was that the race was through civilian territory, and you scored points for mowing down those civilians - kudos if it's a child or elderly folk. In a cult classic way, it's golden. But, naturally, since everyone nowadays has absolutely no balls whatsoever, the new version, called simply "Death Race" sans "2000" (I would have kept the 2000 just for the hell of it. Watch people try to figure that out.), takes place entirely on an enclosed track, keeping children and old folk safely out of harm's way... LAME. I'm going to assume that some terminally unfun studio suit insisted on this, because he feared idiotic high school kids, likely high on meth and/or crack, would attempt a Death Race in their home town, killing untold dozens. In reality, the concept has been rendered limp before it hits the screen - it's only salvation at this pre-release point being Jason Statham, the action hero of under-appreciated (and often awful) action films. I like Jason Statham, and I still think the first Transporter is full of some of the best fight scenes ever - if you fast forward through all the really horrible dialogue between him and the Asian chick. Ugh. Anyway, cast as the mysterious Frankenstein, he might be the movie's saving grace, making it a fun watch. My only concern is that being inside a car will limit his ass-kickery. It's hard to kick people in the face with bike pedals on your feet when you're trapped inside a Mustang. Luckily, my wife loves Jason Statham - I'm sure purely for his acting prowess - so we'll be seeing Death Race when it's released in the next few weeks. I'll compare it to the fantastic original and see how much the re-imagining has killed the concept. I'm betting the answer will be "Killed it a lot".


Anyone else not that psyched about that new Star Wars animated movie coming out? They're advertising the hell out of it, but the general buzz seems minimal at best, at least from inside the 'Drome. I wonder if people have finally grown a little tired of Star Wars? For me, it has taken some time to develop a defense mechanism that makes me believe Episodes 1 thru 3 don't actually exist - except in my nightmares, where the stiff acting and clumsy conversation strike me with unending terror. And while I sure did enjoy the Geddy Tartakovsky animated take on the Clone Wars, this movie is (sadly) Tartakovsky free, and the fact that none of the actors are here to reprise their voices (not even Frank Oz!?) makes me think this is just the latest move in the disturbing Great Lucas Rape - and trust me, Lucas has taken a great deal of joy from awkwardly dry-humping the corpse of Star Wars, and the way Kingdom of the Crystal Skull turned out, Indy's body might get rocked a lot more too. Poor Indy - you realize how much Kingdom failed when Statue Man is, in some ways, a superior adventure romp, especially in the father-and-son interaction department. Awkward.