Fringeworthy

Science Will Kill Us All


Thanks to last year's Writers Strike, television as I knew it decided to curl up and die, leaving me with an ever-growing list of reality/game shows. Hole In The Wall, for example - if that's not a sign of the End Times, I'm not sure what is. Frankly, I blame the Hadron Collider for this. For one, it's very easy to see that whatever it's going to do once it really gets going, it's going to affect the past, and that's going to result in all this garbage on my TV. Secondly, it's becoming increasingly easier to blame just about anything on the Hadron Collider. For example, it will be magnetic fields from the Collider that causes Google Chrome to become self-aware, leading to our demise at the hands of the machines. See? It's not just easy - it's fun. We need something like the Hadron Collider, and I don't mean for scientific discovery. We need it as something to pin our fears on, to be the focus for a time when America, and likely the world, is feeling the squeeze of terrorism, global economics, and Dane Cook's movie career. Zing. But I do think that's true, that the Collider is a great way to vent frustration and concern - even though it sort of makes some people look like idiots of the Flat Earth variety. I also though it was ironic that on the eve of the Hadron opening up a wormhole, Fox would premiere it's big sci-fi show, Fringe. And it opened with a bang - with an airliner filled with helpless folks who soon become what I like to call "People Soup". Damn. Aside from hoping for a great excuse to break the chains of America's Got Talent, I also follow the works of JJ Abrams closely, because I am an devout LOST fan, and hope for the best here. Abrams' newest baby is about our world reaching that point where science and technology are on a runaway course where progress becomes carnage, though it seems to me that's more about science without ethics. Who knows, though - maybe it's all run by an AI that's gone mad. So far, the show is promising. Storywise, it's got a good hook, and if it can keep the plotlines interesting (like the "Question him" moment at the end of the premiere), we could have a winner. I'm not so sure the early "X-Files Ripoff" statements were entirely fair, since this has less to do with aliens and more to do with rogue science - at least for now. My biggest gripe with Fringe is that the writing seems hit or miss. Sometimes it was rather smart, but sometimes the characters fell into easy clichés and hard-to-believe decisions. Take, for example, the show's lead character, Agent Olivia Dunham. What started for a few moments as a strong female lead was prone to stereotypical female reactions, like when she meets Peter Bishop in Iraq to ask for his help, and resorts to tearing up and giving the "I need to save someone I love" line. My wife, who liked the show up to that moment, let out a cynical laugh and rolled her eyes. I felt the same way. Dunham would later take part in an incredibly questionable experiment with a very crazy Dr. Walter Bishop that involved getting a device shoved in the back of her neck, taking LSD, and being locked in a water tank. All this to save a guy that she seemed somewhat apathetic about at the show's start. And Dr. Bishop walks the fine and dangerous line of becoming a truly obnoxious and unwatchable character. I think his madness largely came from his wily beard, because once he shaved he was much more tolerable - kind of like Samson, but with insanity, not strength...


The success of the show will largely depend on creating episodes that play off what the premiere showed - which walked a fine line between today's horrors of science and far-out sci-fi, like Massive Dynamics' Nina Sharp, who has a very Terminator-esque (and totally bad-ass) robotic arm that goes lightyears beyond what we have available to amputees today. It's sort of like the weirder parts of LOST, but with even a touch more crazy. I'm also already hooked on the whole "Pattern" thing, almost as if it's 2008's answer to the numbers. What is the pattern? What does it all mean? Who the hell would do these horrible things to so many innocent people, and more importantly, why? I want to know more about the whole thing. With any luck, they'll slide in a few sly nods to LOST. Well, a guy can dream, right? In the end, it's largely good stuff, and it's a great excuse to try and put mindless reality programming behind me. If you didn't watch Fringe, I suggest you check in as soon as possible - it looks like this show might start to form quite a mythos, one you're going to need to get into on the ground floor if you want to keep up.

Gaming On My Mind

As is the rule, my Xbox 360 finally fell victim to the dreaded red rings. It was really only a matter of time, as each and every person I know who has a 360 has suffered the same fate, and I'm lucky I went this long without issue. But now, my entertainment center has a sad empty spot where my favorite hunk of white plastic used to be. It makes me sad. Even my latest spot of fun, Bionic Commando: Rearmed, is subject to the aftermath, as it sits trapped inside a now-useless HDD. Damn! In the meantime, I'm doing a few things to try and keep my mind off the demise of my 360. One thing that helps is Warhawk - lots and lots of Warhawk. Unhealthy amounts of Warhawk. And what really doesn't help is that this all happened at a real Catch 22 moment. I'm glad that the 360 tanked now instead of in a month or two, because I don't think I could deal with missing out on Fallout 3 and Gears of War 2 when they hit. But right now is that time of year where nothing is really out - the result of which is you reading way too much about me and Warhawk. I have been toying with the idea of getting something like Mercenaries 2, which everyone seems to agree is a (wait for it) blast - but then I start to remember that I never bothered to finish Super Mario Galaxy. Poor Mario. So, as I do each and every August/September, I comb through my backlogged games and look for something to play that I might have let slide earlier in the year or one that deserves a second look. Uncharted is just such a game. Not only is the game strong enough to support a second playthrough, and remain fun, but thanks to Sony's new Achievements Trophies, I can at least feel productive. Also, I realized that while I originally hated Uncharted's mutant-filled ending, the game's entire plot was miles better than the one in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull... I'm also seriously thinking about playing Resistance again. I hate FPS controls on the PS3 controller, but the weird timeline and atmosphere of Resistance is worth the hassle. I'm also prepping for R2, which looks like one of the more impressive games of the year if it can keep up with the hype.


Looking ahead though, there's a serious clusterfuck a-brewin'. It's been a long time since a holiday season dropped so many great looking games on our heads, and I'm caught wanting them all and regretting not having some sort of device that extends a day to 38 hours - just so that I can have more time to enjoy them all. October is chock full 'o' games, and it seems the majority of them are being released in the span of a week, near Halloween. Dead Space began as another EA project that I was primed and ready to ignore - especially after Army of Two turned out to be such a let-down. But as time has gone on, Dead Space looks like less and less of the Old EA at work, and makes me think that (just maybe) EA is ready to use its place in the gaming universe to create a flurry of really awesome titles and franchises. I've heard nothing but great things about Dead Space from a multitude of sites, and it looks like it could have what it takes to be seriously creepy and take off as a new series with a somewhat unique feel. But how much time can I spend hacking up creates from The Thing when on the same damn day (give or take), the PS3 sees the arrival of LittleBigPlanet? I didn't care much about LBP at first, but all the talk about what you can do with the game, and how you can fashion your own levels and build set-pieces from scratch pulled me right in. Having spent months and months to fashion an epic quest via RPG Maker, the idea of being able to craft entire experiences appeals to me - especially since I can now share them thanks to the magic of the interwebs. Besides, Sackboy is a horribly cute little guy, and it looks like Sony is really pushing to make LBP and it's star the official mascot of the console. Will it work? Who knows - though it seems like the game's profile and the number of people talking about it has grown a lot in the last few months. Then, a week after those two big games, I have to deal with Fallout 3. Now, I'm not an Oblivion fan, but Fallout 3 is right up my alley, with it's retro-carnage look and dark humor. And a game like this isn't going to just need some attention, it's going to require almost all my free time... That's a tall order. It's just chaos. Too much awesome, not enough time.

Monday's Report | An Open Letter To Tom Cruise

Because You Complete Me


Honestly, things just haven't been the same since the couch, Tom. You know that. And while you're the very best religious salesman/icon to come around since Jesus Marshall Applewhite, the fact remains that your primary focus is still motion pictures, and that means that all the weirdness you caused with trying WAY to hard to convince us that you have the ability to love someone who is a woman, and treating Matt Lauer like a child did some damage. This is all old news. But the thing now is how do we get that star of yours back in the sky? How can we bring black the glory days when Mission Impossible was relevant and the fact that you basically play yourself in everything you do meant nothing to the audiences of the world? I think I've found the answer, and if you were paying attention, Tom, so did you. Tropic Thunder was good stuff, very funny. But what really helped it along was your turn in some rather amusing make-up doing an awkward hip-hop dance and acting like a total asshole - on purpose. The solution is clear; you need to start doing some comedies. Valkyrie is going to be a big dud, and no matter how hard you try, clips of you trying a German accent will sit side-by-side with those of Nick Cage sweating over the arrival of the bees, until the end of time.


But in Tropic Thunder, you showed that you might actually have something resembling a sense of humor. That's impressive - and I say you run with it. Have you ever even done comedy? I guess you did. Did Losin' It ruin your whole perspective on the genre? And you've done the cameo thing before with amusing results - but you need to step up and take the lead on a comedy. Personally, I think this would be a genius move, letting us see your woefully neglected comedic side. But you must be careful. Avoid anything with Sean William Scott first of all. I'd suggest talking to Judd Apatow - the guy is hot, and you'd likely end up working with Paul Rudd and/or Seth Rogen, which would help bring in the lovable Anchorman audience. Do something crazy, something unexpected, something that is so no...you. Why not somehow find a way to play the loser without being smuggly charming. You tried that in War of the Worlds and failed horribly. We all still loved you and you barely looked like the shlub you were billed as. Mess up that hair, try some make-up, something. Play the drug-dealing friend with the heart of gold, or the drunk guy who accidently crashes his best friend's classic car and must (along with a rag-tag group of pals) must win a demolition derby to win the cash to fix it. Hi-larious, I say. Seriously - if you want to make us all forget about how crazy you really are under what had been a very well-kept veil of "normal", I suggest you get that alien overlord agent of yours on the phone and demand a stack of Hollywood's upcoming blockbuster comedies to look over. Do this, and do it right, and you're back on top, baby...

- Bannen

Intervention | Allison & Me

It's Like I'm Walking On Sunshine!

Addiction, for the most part, is a serious thing. And, in general, it's not a topic I choose to mock and kick around in my spare time - but there does come a point when I can't help but feel rather unsympathetic. My wife makes it a point to watch the show Intervention on A&E when new episodes roll, and while I watch it with her, it usually ends in me yelling at the TV, brought to the very edge of sanity as these people spill out the same familiar tales of woe and suffering that resulted in their addiction of choice and turning the lives of their family and friends completely upside down. I'm not, and do not discount events like violence, sexual assualt, and other very traumatic situations and how they can effect someone in a very negative way - but there are a lot of times on the show where it seems that it all comes down to the deadly "Not Enough Hugs" syndrome. During the show's entire run, I think I've felt sorry for about three people. The rest, regardless of their tortured past, are such miserable bastards in the present that it's near impossible to understand how people can remain by their side - not to be cold. The medium of television helps to cloud the harsh realities of a family with some hope, but come on. How about Asa? That dude's a Grade A jackass.


But this week showcased the series' worst pile of shit to date - Allison. What really helped ease me into hating her right away was the early comments she made about not caring if she hurt or killed other while out on a "drug run". As it turns out, Allison drives around a lot while she's high, and has already caused accidents and who knows what damages and suffering to others while driving around town, Mr. Toad style. I'm not really sure what's more idiotic, that stupid look on her face or that she managed to get hooked on something as ridiculous as computer duster. Watching her suck on that can of air in every damn scene she was in got old quickly, and wide-eyed grins while she did it again and again and again gave me a deep and fond longing for Intervention's regular drunk mom chugging mouthwash or the junkie shooting up in a fast food restaurant's bathroom. There's something almost comical about Allison's "drug" of choice, that it somehow just doesn't hold the weight of cocaine or alcohol or the various eating issues the show usually highlights. Computer Duster, really? How impressionable are you? Of all the friends you knew in college, you somehow missed the ones hooked on meth and instead hung out with the dude who had nothing better to do but huff duster? Jesus Christ, it's a good thing no one introduced you to the concept of drinking White Out or the intense high you get from jumping off skyscrapers sans parachute. Somehow, while looking like a demented muppet forged from flesh (you half expect her to ask for a cookie as those eyes rattle around her bobbing head), she's coincidently just aware enough to know how to be both melodramatic and make damn sure that she's to be the center of attention at all times. Speaking of which, she's also a cutter - shocking. The scene in the graveyard is priceless in how cliche it is. As she walked into the cemetary, I told my wife "Here's the overly-dramatic scene where she romanticizes death". Sure enough, she spouts off about the peaceful nature of the cemetary and how she wants to be a part of it and die. You know, when I think about putting my loved ones to rest, the last thing I want or imagine is some moron stumbling around, laying on that loved one's grave, sucking on a can of compressed air, and spouting off Anne Rice-esque dialogue that comes off with all the gothic allure of Hot Topic to a TV camera. During the intervention itself, when she plugs her ears like a seven year old? I was shocked that no one was driven so insane that they punched her square in the face. Kudos on the self control, tormented family members. Naturally, her family is a wreck, and they've all but excepted what a pain in the ass their child/sister/friend has degenerated into. That's always the worst part - seeing these poor people (this family seemed genuinely nice) driven to the edge in the wake of Allison's duster-fueled rampage. I suppose it's slightly worse when she can manage to somehow dress like she's an extra from Garden State. A stylish, ecclectic junkie! To cap off how truly loathsome she is, in the end of the episode she seems much more concerned about her damn cats than any person in her life. Nice. I guess as long as she can "hang out" (that's computer-duster-huffer code for "totally being paid to have sex") with some old dude, that's good enough given her kitties are there when she gets home and she's rewarded with a new pair of completely innocent-yet-provocative panties from the not-creepy Sugar Daddy. And why is it girls with Daddy Issues want to be with older men all the time? I'm no psychologist, but isn't that somehow like wanting to have sex with your dad? Weird.


From the looks of things, Allison is coming along in her battle with the air bottle, and at the end of the show she actually seemed somewhat more...I don't know, less smackable? Naturally, she's still in contact with her older john man-friend, which is in no way a trap-door to fall back into her old habits. No way whatsoever. Good to see the learning curve has improved at least - hopefully she'll also limit her trips to CompUSA. Ugh.

And, for the record, I'm sure she's a perfectly good person now - as most of these Intervention folks are once the rehab takes hold and they focus on staying sober and getting things back on track, but the way they often come off on the show either through editing, their own altered behavior, or both is just damned frustrating... Frankly, she deserves a bit of the ol' kicking around - if only for her to see what a total asshole she was while on the...duster.

Monday's Report | Dreamscape

Pineapple Express Is People!


I rarely remember my dreams, waking up only to know I had dreamt of something, but with pretty much no clue as to what. The worst dreams tend to be the ones that stick. For example, the other night I had the quick flash of a man in a bunny suit standing in my bathroom doorway. It sounds like I'm either full or shit or that it's funny, but neither is true. I did dream it, and it was far from amusing. It was just "real" enough to joly me out of sleep, where I can see from my bed that same doorway. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it. Last night? Last night I had a weird dream where a group of people were trapped in a bizarre building - like a highrise full of metal and glass. None were me, which I thought was odd, and I couldn't place any of them. Fictional people. Then came the hogs. Well, the fictional people called them "hogs". They reminded me of the Pinky demon from DOOM, and they were tearing people apart. Finally, one of the fictional people makes it to the penthouse, and it turns out it's not all shiny and metal and glass - it's really like a large mutant digestive system, and I woke up with the uncomfortable realization that the poor fictional lady was in for an unpleasent stay. Weird, right!? I don't know what to make of it either. I remember when I was a kid, I had this reoccuring dream where there would be a makeshift stage in my backyard, and on the stage was an ice cream cone. However, to get to the ice cream cone, there'd be some sort of trap - an aligator pit, spikes, a dog on a chain, etc. Can't explain that one either, but I still remember them. I think the flavor of the cone changed too, but that might be a detail I've added years after the fact.


It's going to be one of the better weeks for downloadable games. Today we've finally got Strongbad's Cool Game for Attractive People on WiiWare, which I've been waiting for since it was announced. My once-regular visits to homestarrunner.com has faded in the last year or so, but there's something just cool about a game based on that universe that also has the theme of the old point-and-click adventures like King's Quest and is episodic. I have no idea why, but I find the idea of episodic games to be simply incredible. I'm easily impressed by new gimmicks in distribution, okay? That, and this is the best chance for me to actually turn my Wii on for the first time in months. I feel bad that Mario Galaxy can't get me to play it, but I'm easily distracted. Then Wednesday brings Bionic Commando on the 360, which I will also be downloading. It's been a good long time since I played BC, but it looks like this new take on classic does it's best to hold true while also bringing new visuals and stuff to the mix - I can appreciate that. Everyone seems to be talking about Braid, and whether or not it's worth $15, but that's crazy - as long as it's as good as everyone seems to think it is, who cares if it's $15? That's pretty reasonable if you're getting a game that's entertaining and isn't just another piece of XBLA shovelware. Penny Arcade's game ran a high price too, but I felt it was worth the cost and not just entertaining, but funny - an attributes most games just can't pull off correctly. I didn't download Braid, and the truth is I probably won't just because I'm not psyched now, so I won't be later. Nevertheless, the bitching is unfounded... So cut it out.

It's August and it's 2008, that can only mean it's time for the Olympics. Perhaps it makes me a bad American, but I've never been a fan of the Olympics. Since I was a kid, the only thing that the Olympics meant to me was that NBC was going to be screwed up for weeks - and the feeling still stands. Worse yet, it seems every other station has decidedthat instead of some putting together some sweet counter-programming for folks like me, they'd just give up and program relentless garbage so that my only alternative is to watch DVDs or try out my skill at reading tea leaves (by the way, Kevin Francis, do not get on that plane!). The Olympic games confuse me, and while I can entertained by Men's Basketball, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take Table Tennis seriously. Does it take skill? Sure - but that doesn't make it look any less like grown men are playing a rather ridiculous game or making me think of Forrest Gump, something I'm not fond of recalling, but since he was involved in so much our collective history, it's hard not to at least address him and his accomplishments. Of course, all these crazy events get time, and yet Baseball has been removed. Go figure. I have to feel bad for the guys playing beach Volleyball at 2am EST, knowing that no one will be able to appreciate their long, flowing locks and spray tan. It's okay, brah!

Quantum of Solace: I Don't Get It Either

While it goes without saying that Ghostbusters is my favorite film of all time, I hold a special place in my heart for James Bond. To put it plainly, I'm rather obsessed, perhaps fanatical. There are times when I curse myself for not being British, if only so I can be culturally closer to my favorite fiction spy in our shared notion of Queen and Country, if nothing else. Indeed, I take my Bond seriously. And I'm always more than happy to try and bring the younger generations along for the ride. So far, I've been somewhat successful. I have one cousin who is 16, and he has been converted to a 007 fan. It's awesome to be able to discuss all the ins and outs of the series, our favorite movies, our favorite Bonds, etc. But the real problem is with my other cousin. He's 15, and recently he spoke up about the upcoming Quantum of Solace, saying that he's not exactly a fan of Daniel Craig, and then offering up his own casting choice of who should next wear the Tuxedo. Buckle up, because this will blow your mind...

Jack Nicholson
I wait a minute while you try to let that soak in. It took every fiber in my being to not lunge over the counter and choke him out - if only for his own sake, to free him from what is obviously a very confused life. For all of his celebrity and general goodwill, Jack plays Jack in pretty much every role he's ever been in, and to imagine him in his 2008 near corpse-like form, smirking and snarling, asking for a shaken martini is to imagine the most terrifying scene on Earth. Can you imagine Jack even attempting a British accent? The horror.

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Anyways, in other Bond-related news, I'm sure you've heard that Jack White and Alicia Keys have been tapped to record the theme for Quantum of Solace. I'm hoping it's at least a little bit rockin' - I hate the slower themes. But I did stumble across this offering for the theme over at CHUD.com, and thought it was damn funny. I'll admit it - the name of the movie sucks. I know Bond movies have a history of wacky names, but at least they were understandable and wouldn't make the audience go "What the hell does that mean?". Therefore, any riffing on the title is deserved - and is probably required, just so that the movie's name spreads.


For me, I'll see the movie no matter what - and I'm curious that this is the first 007 flick to be a direct sequel, picking up just hours after Casino Royale ends. It also looks like these movies are building up something resembling SPECTRE, some worldwide criminal organization. I'm interested to see where that angle goes. So, enjoy the proposed theme and Bond fans unite!

Monday's Report | Cinema Edition

As We Speak, Aaron Rogers Is Building A Favre Voodoo Doll...


Why don't more movies feature Yetis? Yeti? I'll admit that I'm not entirely sure of the plural for a gathering of Yetis - I vote that from here on out we call them a Murder, like crows. Sounds pretty bad ass, right? Anyway, the whole reason I even bring up the beloved fuzzy critters is because I saw The Mummy: Curse of the Jet Li this weekend, and the movie doesn't really hit it's stride until three completely awesome yetis show up to kick the crap out of rogue Chinese troops. I know what you're thinking; "Bannen, why did you bother to see the third Mummy movie?" and, while that's none of your business, I'll tell you that I find the Mummy movies to be a guilty pleasure. While they should by shunned and loathed, I actually find them to be entertaining in a Sunday Afternoon Creature Feature sort of way - that and I just can't get enough of Brendan Fraiser's ability to make wacky faces. In reality, this Mummy is more of the same. It's got the over-the-top action sequences, a lot of ham-handed dialogue that serves only to form some loose framework for future plot points to hang awkwardly on, cheap puns and jokey-jokes, but this one has the secret weapon of casting Jet Li as himself. Who knew he was so evil? And let me take a minute here to position something about what does and does not constitute as a "Mummy". Last I checked, being cursed to be a statue (living or otherwise) is not being a mummy - that makes you a statue man, perhaps a golem if you'd like to sound cooler. But a Mummy you are not. And worse yet, you're a fragile statue man, prone to shattering at the slightest provocation. At least the bald baddie from the last two Mummy flicks could not only put up a fight, but remain structurally intact for much of the combat. Through a majority of the movie, especially the ending scene, everyone is screaming stuff like "I hate mummies!" and "die mummies!" and "so what if I had unprotected sex with a mummy!" - and yet, there's really not a single honest-to-gosh mummy to be found. However, Statue Man: Curse of Jet Li probably wouldn't sound as good to an potential theater-goer - nor would it fit comfortably in the inevitable "Mummy" Blu-Ray collection. However, it would sit quite comfortably beside Looney Tunes: Back in Action as part of the "Brendan Fraiser Makes Funny Faces" Blu-Ray collection (which, yes, includes Encino Man). The other weird part of the movie is that Fraiser's son from Mummy Returns is now in his mid to late 20's, and Fraiser still looks to be in his late 30's, maybe early 40's... It's just odd. If you'd like to see this so-called Mummy movie, it helps to at least be able to admit you truly did enjoy the other ones (and face it, you totally did) and just take in some loose entertainment. Cap off the exciting adventure with Applebees and you've got a great afternoon...


Death Race 2000 is one of those really awesome cult movies that deserves to be loved as it is, but since Hollywood has officially given up on developing new content, it was really only a matter of time before they found this classic and decided to retool it for a new generation of kids who can't appreciate the original. I expect to hear about the "Back to the Future" remake with Shia LaBeouf any day now. The precursor for Twisted Metal and other car combat games, Death Race 2000 had a bunch of psychopaths strapped into modified cars, racing for their lives. Of course, the brilliant part was that the race was through civilian territory, and you scored points for mowing down those civilians - kudos if it's a child or elderly folk. In a cult classic way, it's golden. But, naturally, since everyone nowadays has absolutely no balls whatsoever, the new version, called simply "Death Race" sans "2000" (I would have kept the 2000 just for the hell of it. Watch people try to figure that out.), takes place entirely on an enclosed track, keeping children and old folk safely out of harm's way... LAME. I'm going to assume that some terminally unfun studio suit insisted on this, because he feared idiotic high school kids, likely high on meth and/or crack, would attempt a Death Race in their home town, killing untold dozens. In reality, the concept has been rendered limp before it hits the screen - it's only salvation at this pre-release point being Jason Statham, the action hero of under-appreciated (and often awful) action films. I like Jason Statham, and I still think the first Transporter is full of some of the best fight scenes ever - if you fast forward through all the really horrible dialogue between him and the Asian chick. Ugh. Anyway, cast as the mysterious Frankenstein, he might be the movie's saving grace, making it a fun watch. My only concern is that being inside a car will limit his ass-kickery. It's hard to kick people in the face with bike pedals on your feet when you're trapped inside a Mustang. Luckily, my wife loves Jason Statham - I'm sure purely for his acting prowess - so we'll be seeing Death Race when it's released in the next few weeks. I'll compare it to the fantastic original and see how much the re-imagining has killed the concept. I'm betting the answer will be "Killed it a lot".


Anyone else not that psyched about that new Star Wars animated movie coming out? They're advertising the hell out of it, but the general buzz seems minimal at best, at least from inside the 'Drome. I wonder if people have finally grown a little tired of Star Wars? For me, it has taken some time to develop a defense mechanism that makes me believe Episodes 1 thru 3 don't actually exist - except in my nightmares, where the stiff acting and clumsy conversation strike me with unending terror. And while I sure did enjoy the Geddy Tartakovsky animated take on the Clone Wars, this movie is (sadly) Tartakovsky free, and the fact that none of the actors are here to reprise their voices (not even Frank Oz!?) makes me think this is just the latest move in the disturbing Great Lucas Rape - and trust me, Lucas has taken a great deal of joy from awkwardly dry-humping the corpse of Star Wars, and the way Kingdom of the Crystal Skull turned out, Indy's body might get rocked a lot more too. Poor Indy - you realize how much Kingdom failed when Statue Man is, in some ways, a superior adventure romp, especially in the father-and-son interaction department. Awkward.